"A Strictly Factual, Yet Carefully Sanitized Recounting Of An Inspiringly Profound Life Lesson Learned During The Final Tumultous Moments Of An Overdue Pregnancy At The Western Edge Of Rural South Lake County"

	What's the single most important thing you learned from your mother?...My mama taught me that real men respect, admire, love, and act head-over-heels crazy for the women in their lives. Respect... came easily as I grew up...and loving admiration was for the woman I married ...but it wasn't until the events of this story that I finally acted head-over-heels...crazy. Madame Contestmaster, Fellow Toastmasters, and anyone else whose thinking "man, his wife wrote this speech." 
	It all started when she was very, very pregnant……and I was very, very nervous...even though..… I did have a whole lot of experience watching women have babies…...in the movies....Hollywood makes it seem soooo simple..a beautiful pregnant woman rubs her belly and says:  "PHHHW-PPHHW... This is it.... .."---and 2 minutes later, she's holding a shiny, new.... 3 month old in her arms..  When my wife, Joanna, was 9 months pregnant...she said "This is it.." every night for 2 weeks...
	She blamed it on ME...because I read stories to her tummy... thinking I could get the baby out if I inspired it to think more like the Little Engine That Could... but after we got sent home from the hospital 3 nights in a row at 2am without a baby, I switched stories..because I wanted my unborn child to understand what happened to the little boy who cried wolf..
	Joanna's mom said she could get the baby out by taking long walks, my grandma said she should eat spicy foods or drink castor oil...and my great grandma Edith..said...[VOICE:] "She should leap backwards under a full moon wearing nothing but underwear..." [WHAT?] Crazy advice came from friends.. neighbors......even the FEDEX man had ideas on how to GUARANTEE next day delivery….. 
	I was sure my wife would NEVER listen to ANY silly old tales...until one day I found her in the kitchen practicing backwards jumps in a girdle..She had just finished up a bowl of spicy hot chili ....So... I poured her a glass of Florida's finest castor oil.......ON THE ROCKS, of course!....Together, we took a long walk in the park...counting the birds, the bees, the flowers, the trees....and--- the number of minutes between contractions... Over and over, she said "Phhhww..This...Is.... Not It..."??????????????????? Af-ter 9 or 10 of those, Joanna sat by a tree and rested while I walked about 200 yards away towards a fountain to fill a bottle for her... As I started filling it, I could just barely hear her shouting in the distance something like "Watttter... Broke..." "They must've fixed it.........I'll be right there, honey.." [Shriek] then the truth hit me as heavily as lamaze breathing..." [SING EXCITEDLY/DANCE] We're gonna have a baby...We're gonna have a baby...
	So I very calmly.......ran back to Joanna..got in the car..laid a blanket across the backseat for her...and burned rubber so fast our new minivan screeched louder than jeff gordons Nascar.. I was almost out of the park heading towards the hospital on a one lane dirt road as fast as I could when..   [BRAKES//sound///screech]
	Most couples-- they keep a list of things to make sure they have in the car when it's finally time..Guys, I strongly advise you to put this word at the top of your list of things to bring...................: Wife...
	So I did a 180 and skiiid back into the park..picked up Joanna only 3 minutes and 3 contractions later..."I'm soooo sorry, honey.....here's your bottle of water..." .....and I thought all was forgiven...but two seconds later, the bottle was empty.......and I was wetter than a baby's diaper.......At the hospital, the admitting nurse cheerfully said ...[voice of nurse]: "Oy, you again? Lemme guess.. Phhhw Phhhhw.. This is it, RIGHT SIR? ... [[But Im a TOASTMASTER -- I know how to speak up for myself under pressure] "Nurse,  this is really it ..my wife is outside in the castor oil because the fountain broke and the baby's almost out of the park with a spoon in its naval.."
	Whatever I said.. it must've been the secret password to the maternal order of birthdom because the magical gates opened.. and I FINALLY learned where babies come from: ....The maternity ward...!!! And there..I remembered how my mom said real men..respect, admire, love, and act head-over-heels CRAZY for the women in their lives.. as I watched Joanna endure hours of pain that no man could ever imagine..I gained a newfound respect we should all have for our mothers.... a deeper love & admiration that all wives deserve.....and at 5:08pm, I was finally acting head-over-heels-crazy when a new girl came into my life and the most intelligent thing I could say to her was....... [baby talk voice] "Ga-ga boo-boo..itsy bitsy little woman..yes u r.. yes u r... "